Lucius vs Severus: The Battle for Flitwick's Love
by delicatedreams
Summary: The title says it all, my dears.


Lucius vs. Severus: The Battle for Flitwick's Love

Lucius glanced at himself in the mirror. His silver-blonde locks cascaded elegantly over his shoulders and rested softly against his black cloak. The black cloak was fastened snuggly under his neck with a silver cobra pin. Basically, Lucius looked flawless. He always made it his top priority to look completely flawless nowadays.

When the second great wizarding war came to an end, Narcissa had left Lucius. She had gone on about him endangering the family and yadayada by giving his whole support to the Dark Lord. Oh, and she had insulted his hair; the bitch had dared to say that it had lost all of its gloss and shine. From that moment on, Lucius put all of his efforts back into his looks. He had once been flawless, and he intended to return to that same level of flawlessness.

Tonight, though, he looked fabulous for another reason. Tonight, he was going out on a date. Tonight, he was going out on a date with Filius Flitwick.

Normally midgets kind of freaked Lucius out. And normally Lucius found himself to prefer women. However, there was just something about Filius. Perhaps it was his bushy brown mustache. Maybe it was the way he directed the Hogwarts choir. Or just maybe it had something to do with the way he said Wingardium Leviosa. Whatever it was, Lucius wanted him.

There was something Lucius didn't know, though. Another man had fallen in love with Filius Flitwick as well. This man had had a crush on Filius for a number of years, but he had never had the nerve to express his feelings. The man had tried to tell himself that he had only loved one person and that he was going to love that person until the day he died. Well, that man did in fact die. And after he was mysteriously resurrected from the dead in a way that the author is not creative enough to come up with, he realized that he had in fact been in love with Filius since they had first worked together at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. The other man was the one and only Severus Snape. And Snape was not happy when word got around that Lucius Malfoy was moving in on his man.

So when Lucius arrived at The Three Broomsticks for his date, Severus Snape was there, lurking in the shadows. Snape watched Lucius glide to the back of the pub where a dashing Flitwick was lounging.

"You look fabulous tonight Filius," Lucius purred as he whipped his cloak off and draped it over the back of his chair before sitting down.

"Ah, and so do you," Flitwick squeaked. "But of course, you've always looked fabulous. I've always admired how glossy your hair is."

"Why thank you." Lucius grinned. _Take THAT Narcissa._

"I CAN'T HANDLE THIS!" Snape yelled, charging out of the shadows. "FILIUS! I LOVE YOU!"

"Wh-what?" Flitwick and Lucius both stammered at the same moment.

"I've loved you for years. Please leave this blonde fool. The only thing he truly loves is his fucking hair. And you know what's sad? I think it's starting to go grey!"

"MY HAIR IS NOT GOING GREY!" Lucius snapped, his eyes coming to life with anger. "And I do love him. I love him enough to fight you for him!"

"Then let's fight, Lucius," Severus Snape said calmly.

"A fight to the death it is, then," Lucius replied.

And so the epic battle ensued. Okay, so the battle wasn't exactly epic. You would think that two wizards who had been Death Eaters would use some badass and evil spells. You would imagine there would be "crucios" and "sectumsempras" left and right. Instead, they threw out jelly-legs jinxes and finally resulted to wrestling around on the floor, pulling hair. In the end, Lucius ended up sitting on top of Snape's chest with his wand pointed at Snape's huge nose. Snape's wand lay halfway across the room.

"I returned from the dead just to die again. Dammit." Snape let out a huge sigh. "Well, go ahead and do it then, my old friend."

Lucius hesitated. He glanced over at Filius Flitwick. He glanced back down at Severus Snape. He glanced back at Flitwick. He glanced back at Snape. Slowly, he stood up and slipped his wand back into the pimp cane. "You know what? I've realized it isn't Filius that I love! It's my hair! I DO LOVE MY HAIR. I mean, look at it! It's glorious!" Lucius gave his hair a good "toss toss" (a la Glinda the Good Witch). "I hope you two are as happy together as my hair and I are. Ciao!"

So Lucius pranced out of The Three Broomsticks, his old confidence in his looks restored. And in the end, he and his hair were indeed very happy together.


End file.
